Rest

Yea. Rest. Sounds easy.  I know FOR SURE I need it.  I'm realizing that I kinda live in this constant cycle (some friends I know would call it "Insanity") of HALT.  HALT is an acronym. A reminder that when I'm H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired) the best thing to do is what it says, HALT. Stop. Slow Down.  Even Jesus said this:

³⁰ The apostles gathered together with Jesus; and they reported to Him all that they had done and taught. ³¹ And He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest a while.” (For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.) ³² They went away in the boat to a secluded place by themselves. Mark 6:30-32

This morning was no different.  I had 1359820357298357 things to do, and was determined to get them done.  My grandfather passed away on Monday.  He lived an incredible, long, and fulfilling life.  He was blessed with a relatively quick and peaceful death.  I was blessed by spending about 3 hours with him last month, and had the most wonderful time. We shared stories, worries, hopes, laughs, cookies...  He was incredible, and I wanted more than anything to honor him in his death by attending his memorial service and viewing this weekend.  

I often tell people that my life is crazy.  I'm not sure that's the right word, but definitely it is FULL.  Our weekly schedule is pretty much the same, but there is not a lot of downtime, or unscheduled time to rest and relax.  I'm deeply involved in spiritual and emotional care for my soul, working a recovery step program through Celebrate Recovery.  It has changed my life, and part of that is because I have immersed myself in it and really (and prayerfully) chose to let this be a season of growth for me, by giving my all towards my spiritual and emotional health.  I has CHANGED. MY. LIFE.  This one year of dedication (9 months so far) will change the rest of my time on this planet, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  That all being said, this dedication and decision is based on the overwhelmingly tough and unhealthy part of my life.  Change only happens when the pain outweighs the fear, and change only happens in the present.  I am making the changes, and the pain is lessoning.   

So not to sidetrack there, but back to my grandfather.  I want to do it all. I want to be everywhere, I want to experience everything. I've always been this way, even as a child.  It would pain me to miss things, or not be involved.  It's a huge struggle for me to sit still, to focus, to rest.  My grandfather was also very active.  Bowling numerous games at a time, up until about a month before his death.  He had many hobbies, many loves, many activities that brought him joy.  When he realized he was too sick, and too tired, he decided to rest, and passed away about a month later.  Now he is eternally resting in the presence of the Lord.  Even though I just made the trek to PA a month ago, I made the decision on Tuesday that I could do it again. It appeared that I could pull it off, and make the memorial service on Saturday.  Then on Thursday I decided that I needed to be there for the viewing on Friday evening.  If I was going to make the trip, I needed to make the most of it, attend as much as I could, spend as much time...  

I got up at 6 (I'm NOT a morning person, so it was the best I could do), left the house at 7, and went through the same steps as I did about a month ago, except this time, the result was different.  I realized yesterday, after my contracting paycheck never arrived, that I'd be cutting it pretty close financially. I doubted for a minute, but I knew I could still make it work!!  The morning continued on with road block after road block.  Finally, 4 hours after we left the house, and in a mess of tears and exhaustion, I made the decision to HALT.  Headed home, crashed for 2 hours, and woke trying to figure out what to do for the day.  Maybe I could still make the drive? Maybe I could get a last minute deal on a rental?  Then it dawned on me.  HALT. STOP. REST.  The fact that I was REALLY struggling with just sitting around, showed me that it was exactly what I was supposed to be doing.  

I will honor my grandpa, by doing what he is doing. Resting.  I will slow down, take a break. I cleared my schedule for the weekend, and I need to leave it clear. I need to be filled up, rested up. I need to listen, abide.  

³⁴ “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

God confirmed my choice.  When I woke from my nap, the rainy, storm threatening day, had turned into gorgeous blue sky and sunshine!  The money lost from the rental was refunded. (How they couldn't help me at the time is still a mystery, yet somehow, as soon as I get home, they are able to help...)  I get it.  When things are in His will, they go smoothly.  When things aren't happening, I take that as a sign that they are not supposed to happen, and surrender to whatever it is God has next.  For me? It was a lesson in resting.  It's SUPER challenging, but I'll try.

²⁸ “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

So that's what I will do. I will come to You. Give me rest. Fill me up.  I know your plans for me are better than my own.  I will see my family again. We will share memories and laughs. My grandfather's legacy will live on past today and this weekend.  This isn't the last chance... Last month was the last chance, and I was blessed to have that chance. To see him, to hug him, to tell him I loved him.  

(can I tell you how much I love that Jack is holding hands with grandpa and gramma in this picture? I will treasure this picture forever.)